I Told Him No

Let’s talk about triggers, and manipulation, and guilt. Let’s talk about kneejerk reactions and longstanding safety behaviors. In short, let’s talk about what it’s like to be a survivor of emotional abuse.

Let’s talk about me.

I have been loudly proclaiming my healing from the trauma I endured for many, many years. And I have healed quite a bit. But. In some ways I think I was a bit naïve to think I healed such pervasive abuse fully. And in other ways I think I was fooling myself regarding my ex and his ability to ever be anything other than what he is.

To set the stage for you, my ex gets the kids every other weekend. I have them the rest of the time. In the winter, when there’s school and afterschool activities and homework and a myriad of other responsibilities, he never asks for extra time and will often give up his weekends with them, especially if they have an activity somewhere. Once it’s summer, the entire school vacation becomes him trying to take my weekends to “make up” for the weekends he missed during the school year. And yes, many of you will say that I also have them all week. But I’m at work during the week, so no, it doesn’t count. Because of my ex being a faithless abusive pig I am now forced to work outside the home full time instead of being the stay-at-home-mom I was, so my weekends are all I have. I actively try to cram a week’s worth of activities into those weekends. I burn myself out trying to replace the time he stole from me by forcing me into the workforce, so him taking my weekends is just about the worst thing on earth.

And he does this every summer now. He didn’t used to – for years he was so obsessed with the tramp who broke up our marriage that he tossed his kids aside to constantly be with her. However, he remembered he has kids – or he realized this is another way to hurt me – and now has spent the last 3 summers ruining mine. It’s now August, and he had them last weekend. He called a couple days ago to ask to have them this coming weekend – my weekend. He caught me off guard so I said yes. Another weekend, gone. It was followed up by a text asking for the last weekend in August as well. In other words, he would have every weekend in August. I would have no time with my kids before school starts.

I was relating this to a close friend of mine, who gently asked if I had to say yes. This one question sparked some much-needed introspection on my part. Did I have to say yes? I definitely didn’t. So, the real question is, why did I? I told my friend that my ex is such a bastard when I say no that it’s just easier.

BOOM. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and that light bulb moment was nothing short of monumental. Memories came flooding back of my marriage, and how I said yes over and over and over again to things I didn’t want to do, things that were abhorrent to me, things that were against my nature … just to try to keep him “happy.” I put quotes around the word because I’m not certain he’s ever truly happy, but at least if I stopped his screaming and berating me for a few moments … it counted as happiness. I lived a nightmare of giving in to situations, behaviors, and events that grated against my very being because the alternative was not worth it.

I sacrificed my soul to save my peace, but in reality there was never any peace. It was a fool’s bargain, but that is what trauma victims do, and that’s how we behave. And here I am, all these years after breaking free, and I am still displaying this traumatized behavior. It’s ingrained in me. My very first response to him pushing is to lie down and play dead.

I texted him back and I told him no.

I TOLD HIM NO!!!