Now What?

Have you ever felt so angry, so hurt, so incredibly betrayed by life that you end up stuck? Maybe you survived a nightmare that was so hellish and so soul-destroying that the majority of people couldn't even fathom situations like that existing, only to claw your way free to what now feels like a new hell - a hell you don't deserve. You've put in the weeks, months, maybe years of hard work on healing yourself, you've forged forward to the new shiny life everyone swore would be there waiting once you broke free ... And found something quite different.

Now what?

This is what I ask myself quite often now. I was there, in the literal 9th circle of hell. Some days I truly don't know how I made it through alive. My abuser kept upping the ante, and I slowly lost myself to years of narcissistic, emotional, and eventually physical abuse. When I finally reached out to a trusted person of authority in my life for help, they used their position of power to hurt me even worse. I came to them like a drowning person desperately reaching for a rope, only to find that the rope they dangled over my head had a millstone attached to the other end. I was broken almost completely by them. I couldn't fathom a person so devoid of feelings, so full of scheming and darkness, which is why I never saw it coming.

I have seen true evil, and the phrase "wolf in sheep's clothing" rings truer than anything I've ever heard in my life. I thank God every day that just before their millstone dragged me under, I cut the rope and got away.

It's been over 20 years since my ex started abusing me. It's been 11 years since the wolf set their sights on me. It's been over 5 years since I barely made it out alive to start rebuilding my life, my family ... Me. I've done the time in therapy, I've come SO DAMN FAR, and yes, I'm proud. I'm really proud! And, before it looks like I don't see anything good in my life - my children give me more joy than can be quantified. I have precious friends and family who I love dearly and cherish in my life. But I'll be honest ... No one told me just how hard this would be. 

I'm not afraid of hard work. I've never once shied away from putting in the effort to make things happen. But it's more than that. It's the isolation of being a single parent that no one talks about. It's being forced to work full time outside of the home when I was a full time stay at home mother, and sobbing in my car on the way to work, wondering if I just should have stayed in hell to be with my kids more. I literally have days where I wish I was still being abused because I miss being home with my children so much. Yes, it's not healthy ... Just reading those words as I write them makes me realize how much more work I need to do. But that's how much it tortures me to have lost that. I honestly don't think I would have ever left if I'd known. Maybe it's good I didn't know. 

It's mentally adding up all the time I've lost with my kids to the work world, a world I don't really have any fulfillment from. It's the horror of realizing my ex and the wolf who joined him have skated on everything they did to me, and the "karma" that was promised to me by cheerleaders for my new life - cheerleaders who have all disappeared other than a few people who I love dearly - was just another fairy tale I shouldn't have trusted. 

It's lying in bed awake at night, shaking with fear that my kids will carry the scars forever.

I decided to start this blog for a few reasons: to remind myself that even though it's harder than I could have ever known, and even though I've been forgotten by almost everyone, and even though this isn't the life I thought I was leaving for ...

It's still my life. And I can find the beauty even on the days when the bitterness and anger feel like a weight on my heart and on my soul. And maybe I can connect with other people on healing journeys, and we can lift each other up. And on days when I feel like I should have stayed in hell, I'll write to remind myself just how terrible hell really was.

Now what?

You tell me.